Understanding Agression in Kids

Frustration is a natural part of life—and with the lack of control kids have over their lives, it is of-course inevitable in childhood. But the aggression that can arise from frustration can often feel overwhelming, both for the child experiencing it and for the parent witnessing (or being the target of) it.

That’s where our role as parents comes in: not to suppress these feelings, but to help our children express them in ways that are safe, supportive, and ultimately, developmental.

Aggression Is Not the Problem—Unprocessed Frustration Is

Every child experiences moments of deep frustration. And frustration builds up when it can't be released. It is energy in our bodies. When that energy cannot come out through adaptive processes like sadness and futility- our initial vulnerable reaction, it turns into agression.

Why does this happen?

Emotions like sadness, weakness, fear, dependency, as well as love, missing someone and needing someone- are vulnerable emotions. They are vulnerable because we are vulnerable when we feel them, and they themselves are vulnerable- and are easily shut off through deffenses that arise when we are hurt, so as to protect ourselves from getting hurt again or feeling that pain.

What makes kids become deffended against vulnerable emotions?

• When they have been hurt badly or frequently enough when feeling these emtions- through humiliation or even just not having an adult with a capacity for these emtions, whether it be fundementaly or emtionaly unavailable for them.

• When they exprience a seperation too hard to handle.

• Could also be a reaction to a neurological sensitivity. Sensitive kids as well as neurodivergent kids can feel overwhelmed with inner emotional stimuli which causes them to become defended to as to not be flooded emotionaly and mentaly.

What happens when we become defended?

The next route for frustration to come out is- you guessed it- agression. It can be towards others or toward oneself.

Seeing as we understand that agression is an outlet for frustration, we can (and should) offer children outlets to express those feelings in safe, contained ways.

Play as a Pathway

Play is one of the most powerful tools we have. It’s a natural and developmentally appropriate way for children to express big emotions—including frustration and aggression—without causing harm.

But many of us carry a fear: “If I allow aggressive play, won’t that teach my child it’s okay to be aggressive?”

It’s an understandable concern—but it doesn’t quite work that way.

In reality, when we fear aggression, children pick up on that fear. They may begin to fear or suppress those feelings themselves. But the emotions behind them don’t disappear—they just go underground and turn inward.

Play offers a brilliant way to meet aggression and frustration in a form that’s not "real", and therefore much less threatening for the child. It’s safer, more symbolic. Play has clear limits, a defined beginning and end, and most importantly—it’s voluntary.*

When a child senses that their aggression frightens their parents, the feeling can grow bigger and start to show up more in daily life or in play. The more we accept and make room for it—especially through safe, expressive play—the more it can settle, and the less likely it is to erupt uncontrollably in real life.

Another possibility for letting out frustration is to channel the tendency to a less harmful activity.

• Does the child like to throw? We can invite them to throw paper balls into a basket.

• Do they need to scream? Let’s scream into a pillow together.

• Do they want to kick? Maybe a soft ball they can kick around will help.

When I can match an activity to the child’s natural discharge pattern, I help them release the energy safely. This often reduces aggressive behavior, because the physical energy has a place to go.

Moving from Anger to Sadness

Sometimes, the most important shift is helping a child move from anger to sadness. Anger is often a protest against something they cannot change. But once they feel the futility—once they realize that what they want is out of reach—tears can come. And those tears are healing. Futility is crucial to our adaption.

This is why crying is not something to be stopped. It’s something to be supported.

When the child is calmer, and I’ve gathered them back into connection, we can speak to their deeper experience. I might say:

“Sometimes you feel so frustrated, and that’s okay. I know you want to let it out without hurting anyone—and maybe sometimes it’s just hard to know how.”

These kinds of reflections support our relationship, and their ability to feel seen and understood, as well as accepted and supported.

Taking Responsibility for What They Can’t Yet Manage

What is our role in the process of maturation?

• Manage the situation so it’s safe for everybody

• Offer alternatives for expression

• Support their nervous systems through co-regulation

• Understand that they’re not trying to be difficult—they’re just overwhelmed.

  
  

When a child is acting childlike, I don’t expect them to be the grown-up. That’s my job. Self-regulation comes with time, maturity, and brain development as well as learning through the experience of having a regulating, containing and compassionate parent. through the process of maturation, we are their self-regulation.

Planting the Seeds for True Self-Regulation

Self-regulation takes time. It isn’t something we can demand from a child who hasn’t yet developed the capacity for it. The frontal cortex developes over childhood and up to adolescence.

What we can do is create the conditions that support it: clear boundaries, safe outlets for expression, and a steady presence that says, “I see you, I am with you- with every emotion that you have.”

When we offer containment without shame, and alternatives without fear, we’re helping our children learn how to be with their own emotions—leading to containment and maturiy.

*If a child engages in play that seems obsessive or alarming—like repeatedly acting out harm or violence with dolls—it may be a sign that they are processing trauma or feeling overwhelmed by something threatening. In such cases, it’s a good idea to seek professional support.