Why Connection Matters Most in Moments of Aggression

One very common cause of frustration in children is separation—both physical and emotional.

As caregivers, one of our most important roles is to reduce unnecessary separations and take active responsibility for meeting our child’s attachment needs, rather than waiting for them to demand our attention.

But not all separations are physical.

Sometimes, emotional separation is created in response to a child's aggressive behavior. Threats like “Go to your room!” or “I won’t play with you if you act like that” send a powerful message of disconnection.

These moments—especially during periods when the child is already showing more aggression—can overwhelm them with anxiety and increase their frustration even further. (Which, as we said- is often the cause for agression).

Instead of being surprised every time our child lashes out, we can learn to expect these moments, prepare for them, and meet them with greater understanding.

Maturation and emotional development take time. The process isn’t linear—and it certainly doesn’t happen on demand.

Most importantly, we want to communicate clearly and consistently that the relationship is not broken by the child’s behavior. We’re still here. We’re not going anywhere.

This message must be genuine. Of course, we’re human too. Sometimes we’re more easily triggered and don’t respond as calmly as we’d like to in the moment. That’s okay. We can always return to connection later and repair:

“I was angry when you hit your brother. But I still love you, and I know you didn’t mean to hurt him.”

When we put the emphasis on connection rather than the behavior itself, and take responsibility for it, over time, we reduce the child’s sense of threat. They feel safer. Less defensive. And more able to integrate their experiences.

Because ultimately, it is this secure attachment that supports the child’s maturation—the development of selfhood, independence, adaptability, and integration. That inner voice that says:

“I feel like hitting, but I don’t want to hurt this person.”

That is the foundation of self-regulation. And it doesn’t come from punishment or disconnection—it comes from relationship.